A Lady and a 'Thank You' in Real Simple Magazine

My Lady and a 'Thank You' is getting all famous! If you followed the story from the beginning, you might remember the original post about the encounter itself, the follow-up with your opinions on the situation and my quest for truth. As part of said quest, I turned to Real Simple for help, and they ended up featuring the question in the September issue of their magazine, both in print and online. Albeit the initial question was changed to the extent of being unrecognizable, I am still happy for the Lady and a 'Thank You'! Thank you, Real Simple!

 To read the answer, click on the screenshot picture above or here!

A Lady and a 'Thank You': Experts Weigh In

Following up on my original post on a lady and a 'thank you' situation from a few months back, I'm bringing you an update on the matter! Remember me saying I actually went ahead and wrote to some of the etiquette professionals asking for help? Well, Miss Manners has never gotten back to me (should I email her again?), but Maralee of Manners Mentor Blog and Julia, one of the editors at Real Simple, did! Maralee says:

“ Dear Julia,

I was sad to read about the situation you encountered in the shop entrance. Please know that the man in question was rude and presumptuous to you on several levels. You were absolutely correct to thank him for holding open the door. To not have done so would be to fail to acknowledge and encourage the small kindnesses of daily encounters.

At no time in history was a lady ever taught it was rude to thank another person, male or female. Even if you had been “wrong” in thanking him, his offense, pointing out the supposed bad manners of someone else was worse. Unless we happened to give birth to the one whose manners we are correcting, or the person has specifically hired us for that task, it’s the one who is doing the correcting who is rude. ”

As for the Real Simple's reply, I don't know the answer to my initial question yet, but they emailed me saying they wanted to print the question in the Modern Manners section of the September issue of their magazine. Here is how they said they would print it (totally not the way I meant it, as I feel no shame when a man is being a gentleman to me, but whatever):

“ Should a woman say thank you to a man who holds a door open for her? Or turn around and hold the door for him? I feel guilty just walking right on in. ”

I guess you and I will know their take on the subject once the magazine hits the stands in September - Julia the editor promised to send me a PDF if I remind her, plus it's supposed to make an appearance online at some point too. However, if any of you happen to get a copy of the magazine, I would appreciate a photo or a scan!

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A Lady and a 'Thank You': Opinions

First of all, big thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts on the Lady and a Thank You dilemma I wrote about in my previous post!

Most of you thought I was right to offer my appreciation, and more than a few of you even admitted they’d feel offended if they were told “what a lady should or should not do”, as offered by commenter Brenda A. And while I personally didn't find the man's remark offensive, the topic is something I'm very curious about. So much so that I even took the time yesterday to write to Miss Manners and to the editors of the etiquette column at Real Simple asking for help with this matter!

Now let’s wait and see if they ever get back to me and help us figure it all out! (If you know of a website where I can ask for advice on good manners, please let me know so that I can consult them too). In the meantime, here are some of the main ideas expressed by you:

And here's an opinion from a friend of mine via Facebook:

Anna Dobrynina:

"I think you did the right thing. That man sounds a little creepy honestly. It's funny that he kind of went out of his way to come up to you and tell you that. What's wrong with saying thank you? It takes less than two seconds and just means that you acknowledge what was done for you, that's what I personally think."

A Lady Should Never Say 'Thank You'?

Generally, when someone does something nice for me I say 'thank you'. That's how it should be. Today was a bit of an exception as a stranger who held a door open for me had his headphones on, so I just nodded instead. Although later I realized I could've totally said it too - even if he wouldn't have heard me, he would've still seen that I thanked him.

Today's experience also reminded me of one from a while back that still has me puzzled. At the entrance to a shop a man was holding a door for his female companion when he saw me and my friend approaching and then kept holding the door until we made it past him and inside. Naturally, I thanked him without even giving it much thought. However, he wasn't too pleased. He came up to me at the store and quitely said that "a lady should never say "thank you", particularly in a situation like that.

"Was he right about it?" is the question I'm still asking myself. Something tells me a different situation may call for a different reply to it and that specifics of a particular case might matter. But what is a general rule? What would a well-mannered lady do and what would a well-mannered man expect of a lady? Anyone familiar with the correct protocol?

P.S. There's a thread on the topic on Yahoo! Answers (not started by me), if you need some opinions to get you started on it.

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